written; july 1st, 2009
12am sitting in my bed. The Script is my background music as my ipod plays on shuffle. I'm tired yet I can't sleep. I think I'm thinking too much. On a lame note I deleted a to do list on my phone by mistake and now I can't remember the things I wanted to download. Other than being slightly annoyed by that, I figured I'll just WRITE a blog seeing as how I told the parentals I'll go to bed. Another dinner going over my weekday curfew. Fun. Ha. So what's on my mind? Lots of things. I seem to have a sulk week last week. I was in a depressive quite mood that even my parents got annoyed by it. I'm not exactly sure why... I mean I know I was quite because I was sick but that wasn't all the reasons. I guess I just had a silent breakdown. The fact of where I am in my life. That it's basically half year already and I'm STILL here and I'm fifteen almost sixteen. I mean fuck, I'm sixteen next year. I've been dreaming about that birthday since ever and the thought that nothing has changed just makes me fucking frustrated because I always wanted this awesome party. friends. a life. and sure yes I have friends and I love them all, but there comes a time that no matter how I see them, even after they to me are friends and not real life and online friends, reality hits and I'm standing here all alone. Yes I know I can talk to some of them but sometimes it just feels like I'm the odd one out, the friend yet never the closest friend... so I at times feel bad for ranting my problems. I feel bad that they always have to listen to me rant about how fucking irritating my parents get. I feel bad. Sometimes I wish I just have ONE friend that can read me like an open book and just say "hey, what's wrong?" without me saying anything at all. someone who can see past the fake smiles and the fake laughs. So yes, there are times where I feel like my friends don't care, or maybe they do... they just can't see past the makeup smiles. The perfect yet not so image. I'm sorta tired of telling somebody what's wrong and getting sympathy... or getting the whole "look on the bright side" pep talk. For once I just want to talk without having to feel bad or just get hugged really. okay so maybe I don't know exactly what I want. But I want something apart from the sympathy. the "I feel sorry for you" smiles. I hate those. Don't feel sorry for me. Just get me the fuck out of here. What have I done in my fifteen year of life to end up living like this? I mean life isn't THAT bad. there are pretty awesome moments and I have some pretty great times with my parents. and I know there are kids with far worse problems. but WHY do I have to be stuck here? why does nothing good ever stay? why is it that whenever there seems to be a positive leap I end up hitting a wall again and finding myself back to square one. WHY?

So yes, I have been having these thoughts running through my head lately and all I want is just to get good news that would STAY and FINALLY have a life I really want. Where there are true friends that stick by me and where everybody is just happy. Is that too much to ask? happiness. I mean, I am happy. Just broken inside. Like a big colorful box with a crack on the sides. I need somebody to fix that. But who?

Char and Megan showed me yesterday that even though I feel bad for ranting sometimes, I still have friends who WANT to know what's wrong. They asked on their own and in the end their weirdness was what got me laughing again. Megan and I had our plans of stalking Martin while Char and I got remarried in Vegas. Ha. Yeah I love them alright. And I'm thankful for having friends like them. I'm not saying that all my other friends suck. Never. I just feel bad for leaning on them so much. But right now, being online is so much an escape from reality...even if it seems impossible to ever truly run away from.

So here I am, a lost soul wanting to find a home. I wonder if I ever will find one before my childhood runs away. I am fifteen after all. Still young.. but I'm near the end of a proper childhood. it hurts at times, to think about how much I've missed. Sometimes you can't help the tears...but in the end tears lead nowhere. So that's why my parents think I'm fine at times. Cuz I hide most emotions away. I guess you can say I'm the one that cries when nobody is looking.

My life's complicated and this is only how I feel. Not everything too. There are stories, secrets, drama, and hurt. Some I now, some I don't. So to tell a person everything, I cannot. Because I myself don't know the full story on how it got so complicated and for some reason, I don't want to know. I guess I just hate listening to the truth at times.

well. time to sleep. I think by now, we're all used to blogs with dates that don't match hm?
x

edited; july 3, 2009
now i dont even know what to think. im just so ... mad. upset. sad. i need a hug. i want char. D;